When your child is anorexic, numbers can seem like life and death.
It is confusing.
You want the number to go up. She wants it to go down.
The anorexia has put you on opposite sides, each of you fighting for different things.
It is easy to make the number mean everything, and you will think it does. So will the anorexic.
But, like any other fact, the number on the scale is neutral.
It is neutral until we decide it isn’t.
The anorexia argues that it is not at all neutral.
Anorexia convinces her that she is fat; that you are making her fat because you are forcing her to eat.
You think if the number isn’t higher than last week, that you are failing to feed her enough.
You fear the anorexia has her in its grips and will never let go.
How can the same number mean 2 such different things?
It is because of what we think about the number and what we make it mean.
In order to neutralize the numbers on the scale, we first have to neutralize our thoughts about the numbers on the scale. By practicing compassionate observation of our thoughts about the numbers on the scale, we can learn to remain calm and confident at weekly weigh-ins regardless of the number that appears when our daughter steps on the scale.
Depending on the model of anorexia treatment you are following, the numbers on the scale may have already been neutralized for your daughter by blind weigh-ins at her doctor’s visits. Even with blind weigh-ins, any reaction to her weight from you or her doctor will fuel the anorexic thoughts that your daughter has about what her weight should or shouldn’t be.
Try the following steps to help neutralize the numbers on the scale before your teen’s next weight check:
1. Set aside some time before your daughter’s next weight will be taken to be alone with your thoughts. Become aware of what you are thinking. Without resisting, avoiding, or changing your thoughts, just notice what your brain is doing.
2. As you think about your daughter stepping on the scale, be a compassionate observer of what your automatic thoughts are. This awareness is the key to being able to control your feelings, your actions, and therefore, your results.
3. Be patient. It will take some time to become aware of the thoughts that are making it impossible for you to remain neutral at weigh-ins.
4. Once you become aware of your unconscious thoughts, then you can begin to replace them with deliberate thoughts that will be much more useful to you and your daughter. This will only work if you believe the new thought, so allow yourself to neutralize your thoughts at your own pace.
For example, if the first thought you observe is: “I will not be able to handle it if she loses weight this week,” it will be too much of a jump to replace that thought with, “I will be happy with her progress if she loses weight this week.”
Instead, try replacing your original observed thought with one that is more neutral and is also believable. For example, “I am learning to see the numbers on the scale as neutral.” Or, “I will figure out how to adjust her food intake this week if her weight hasn’t increased.”
The point is to focus on thoughts that will make the experience of weighing less stressful for you and your daughter. Once you have mastered neutralizing the numbers on the scale, you can apply this skill to any circumstance. By becoming a compassionate observer of your unconscious thoughts, you can then become aware of thoughts that aren’t useful, and you can consciously create intentional thoughts that better serve you.
If you want to learn more about how to neutralize the numbers to reduce anxiety at weekly weigh-ins, email me at jenni@peacemealcoach.com to schedule a free 20-minute coaching session.
