Most of us parents of anorexic teens spend a lot of time and energy on something we can’t control: our daughter’s anorexia. We ruminate about all of the past events leading up to the anorexia–the symptoms we noticed, the decisions we shouldn’t have made, etc. We question whether we should have realized that she had an eating disorder because she was self conscious in her ballet costume on stage. We wonder if there is something we did to cause her to get anorexia or something we could have done to prevent her from getting it.
The fact that she has anorexia is not something we can negotiate, control, or change. Therefore it makes sense to stop arguing with the circumstance. It makes sense to stop wishing that she didn’t have anorexia, and to stop hoping that if we pray enough the anorexia will go away.
We may not be able to take the anorexia away or go back to the way things were before she had anorexia, but we can control what and how we think and feel about the anorexia, what actions we take, and what results we get in our lives.
Our thoughts give meaning to our circumstances. We can control our thoughts, so we can decide what meaning to give our daughter’s anorexia. We can change what we think about her anorexic behavior too.
The really great news for parents is that our daughter’s anorexia is not the cause of our current problems. Our daughter’s anorexia isn’t the cause of our feelings, our behaviors, or the results we are seeing in our lives either.
So what is the cause of our problems that we are attributing to our daughter’s anorexia? The cause is the thoughts that we are having about the anorexia.
That means that we don’t have to change the circumstance to feel better. We don’t have to change the circumstance to behave the way we want to behave and to get the results we want.
We can feel better, behave better, and get better results without our circumstances changing at all. She can continue to have anorexia, and we can change our thoughts about it.
Since our thoughts make all the difference, what do you want to think about your daughter’s anorexia? Are you ready to change your mind?
Here are some thoughts to contemplate:
The anorexia is happening for her (not to her or against her).
Her anorexia has strengthened our relationship.
My love for her is stronger than the anorexia.
She will completely recover.
She will be able to dance again.
I will never regret believing in my ability to help her.
