The first time I ventured out of what had become my new world—vigilantly watching her around the clock, preparing 3 meals and 3 snacks every day, and praying she would eat, I felt shell-shocked.  I physically attended a meeting, but emotionally I was replaying every bit of the last two weeks in my head.

Her constant standing and walking.
Her terrified clinging to me at night.
Her cold and bony hands that I touched to try to comfort her.
Her fear of eating every plate of food I put on the table.

My life had become something that I knew that no one in the room could imagine, and it was painful for me to be there, acting as if things were as they’ve always been. I couldn’t think of anything to say. If they asked me how I was, I couldn’t just say “fine,” could I? Surely they must have known that things were not fine, that they may never be fine again. It felt frivolous to be there when I needed to be home caring for her. But, I wanted to keep a toe in the water of the rest of my life.

Slowly, I’ve been able to manage it as she has improved. The crying at every plate that is put in front of her has passed. She is no longer picking her food apart into tiny pieces; or making angry accusations that we are making her fat. There is no more negotiating to take as few bites as possible at every meal, or desperate sobbing that she wants to give up because she is too hopeless to keep going.

Now, I am no longer shell-shocked. Along the way I have learned to deliberately call on thoughts that are useful to me, thoughts that create a feeling of strength, thoughts that I believe.

I believe it is a privilege to be her mom.

I believe she will recover.

I believe it is my highest calling to be strong enough to feed her when her anorexia is pushing back with a force like I’ve never experienced.

I believe I am much stronger than I ever imagined I could be before she had anorexia.

So are you.

If you want to learn how to feel strong when your daughter is refusing to eat, I would love to help you.  Email me at jenni@peacemealcoach.com to schedule a free 20-minute coaching session.